The Tornado...journal July 25 2019

The Tornado... journal July 25 2019

 

Having a conversation with a fellow cancer survivor can take you all over the place emotionally.  They may just be facing their first  battle, on a second or third run, awaiting confirmation of a full diagnosis or checking off years of no evidence of disease, yet in the midst of your conversation you feel like a tornado is building and coming at you full force.

 

As the conversation progresses and your thoughts shoot to the past or begin forming the “what if” your brain quickly picks up so much baggage  you go from a little dust twirling dirt devil to an F5 tornado ready to rip buildings from foundations and destroy the protected places of your mind.

 

You are suddenly and completely out of control as you barrel down the path of destruction gathering momentum with each spin and threatening to take out anything or anyone that gets in the way.    As you leave fields of barren wasteland in your wake you pray, “God help the fool that steps in front of this monster for they will never in this lifetime be the same!”

 

Then comes the silence.  Your brain screeches to a halt, the emotional ambush dissipates instantly.  You are not sure what just happened as you shake your head in a an “etch a sketch” attempt to completely erase what just happened here.  

 

You search the path of destruction for any pieces that can be put back together and you find nothing as it was, nothing can be the same and that is not a bad thing.  We tend to hang onto garbage, build high expectations for our future and expect grand things out of earthly bodies not created for eternity.

 

Those memories that we attempt to keep in order, the future that we twist into our control can so easily be ripped from us and repeatedly we are reminded one just can’t survive there.

 

These conversations bring forth whatever size tornado is needed to clean the path of our wonky self preservation and show us again the true meaning of life.  

 

One day may we learn not to feed the F5 but to allow the little dirt devil to swirl us gently back into the path of living each day like the best day of our lives!

Marcia sent you a hug.
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You have a amazing way of writing!! I love how you put your feelings into discripted words!! Prayers!! XOXO,
I have a friend who has been battling thyroid c for 10 years. I don’t know how he does it.! I can’t compare my case to his but I can’t help but get caught up in the worry that I too could be at the beginning of a long battle.
The "tornado" you describe, Larissa, is EXACTLY why I stopped being so active here. Self-preservation (emotionally.) I have always and will alwsys, think of and pray for, all individuals on BlogforaCure; past and present, and those up above now.

Goid analogy. Hang in there, girl!! 🙏🌷💪
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Vital Info

Posts

August 29, 2009

California

Cancer Info

Colon and Rectal Cancer

September 28, 2004

Stage 3C

4.1 - 5.0 cm

Yes

That affects more than just me.

That I have more strength than I ever imagined.

left with mild neuropothy, balance and memory issues

Cedar Sinai in Beverly Hills California

Exercise!!!!

Write things down, play memory games and games that make you think quickly

Since the first and 1 recurrence I have lived no evidence of disease

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